This is something that me and my husband speak about on a regular basis. In my head, I still feel like I am 18, and there are times when I truly feel like I am just making things up as I go. I sometimes feel like I am a massive con artist, as I appear to have somehow made a career for myself in the legal industry despite still needing to use the phrase ‘lefty loosey, righty tighty’ when trying to build anything. I even feel that having any sort of flat pack furniture in my home gives ‘student’ vibes more than it gives ‘adult with a mortgage’ vibes.
But then I think that one of the most liberating realisations I ever had was that no one really knows what they’re doing. Sure, some people may be better at pretending that they have a grand plan and that everything is under control, but the vast majority of people I have met all seem to be making their way through life with very little idea of what they’re actually doing. I am the same. Yes, I have my Big Plan of what I would like to happen, but life always has a way of throwing hurdles into the way that I was not expecting to have to jump over.
But at the same time, there is another level of liberation in realising that I am an adult (so far as the law is concerned) and provided I abide by the right laws, I can very much do what I want. If I want to have ice cream for dinner, who’s going to stop me? If I want to spend all day building Lego sets and watching Disney movies, I can. If I want to book an impromptu beach holiday, I don’t have to ask my parents for permission (unless your work now counts as your parent?). When I was growing up, I wanted to be an adult. And when I was fresh out of university, I had this odd idea about what it meant to be an adult and if I wasn’t achieving those milestones, then I wasn’t an adult. But then that liberating realisation hit me and I realised that, at the end of the day, none of us really know what we’re doing. I personally take great comfort in that thought. And it has also meant that I feel no shame in fully enjoying the things I used to love as a child – like Lego, and cartoons, and spending all day writing stories – and as a result I am rediscovering hobbies and interests that I had buried because they weren’t ‘what a grown up should do’.
I guess what I am trying to say is that being a ‘grown up’ will look different for everyone. What I would constitute to be a ‘grown up’ will be the complete opposite of what someone else would think. Sometimes it does really help me to take a big step back from looking at everyone else around me and just focus on what I want out of my life: What does success look like to me? When I am 90, what do I want to remember about my life? Who do I want to surround myself with? What do I want to experience?
This also reminds me to not take life so seriously. Yes, there are days (in all honesty this whole year really) where things feel way too serious, all the damn time, and it can be hard to remember that I am just a human. Making mistakes is fine, so long as you can learn from them. And sometimes not being a grown up is exactly what you need. So, if anyone does need me, you will find me playing the new Zelda game and eating pick-n-mix candy for dinner, because I’m an adult and no one can tell me not to.
Taylor Talks Vegan 