Last week, I had to say goodbye to my sweet, sassy, beautiful Lola Bear. We fought hard alongside her for 4 long days, but in the end, her little body just couldn’t fight any longer and we had to make the heart-breaking decision that every animal carer dreads in order to help her over the rainbow bridge. I have spent the last week trying to come to terms with this loss, but if I was being honest, I’ve just been a wreck.
I have never lived in a house without animals, aside from a year when I lived in student halls for university. I never knew a house could feel so empty. So quiet. For the first time since my husband and I started living together 7 years ago, it is only the two of us, and the house now feels too big for us.
We decided to donate the majority of things we had for her (a nearly full box of hay, new bag of pellets, emergency food supplies, and some of her toys) but kept her most favourite. Like her yellow ball that she would throw for us to fetch, and her water bowl. Our hope is that donating these supplies allows us to help other rabbits in need, especially since neither of us is ready to invite any new animals into our home just yet. There is such a void in our lives where Lola once was. I find myself still looking for her every time I come into the house, and the fact that she is no longer here to cuddle throughout the day breaks my heart even deeper than I knew possible. I miss the background noise of her life, from the quiet munching of hay, to the soft sound of her paws as she wandered around the house. I miss her binkies and her grumpy foot stomps. I miss the sassy side-eye she would give me if I was trying to cuddle her and she wanted to sleep. I miss the soft thud she made when she would flop herself down on the rugs for her afternoon naps.
I’m not expecting the pain to disappear at all if I’m honest. I know I have to make room in my life for the grief and to just allow myself that time to mourn. But some days feel so much worse than others. Hell, some days I have to take it hour by hour. Every time I think I’m all out of tears to cry, I’ll see her favourite spot on the rug or I’ll catch sight of a chewed skirting board and I’ll just burst into tears all over again. I know my husband and I did everything possible to help her and to eventually guide her way over that Rainbow Bridge, but I feel guilty for even attempting to live my life without her in it.
I know that at some time in the future, there will be more animals in my life for me to love. Because if Lola taught me anything, it is that caring and loving animals is my main purpose in life. I haven’t been on a holiday in 6 years, because to do so would mean leaving her (and her siblings) and in all honesty, there is no sight on this planet that would mean more to me than her. I am so glad that I was able to be here with her for so much time, and I would do it all again without hesitation if I could. My whole routine was based on when she needed to eat, or drink, or needed cuddles and a run around. Without her here, I feel very lost as to what I’m supposed to do with all of this time I have. And then I feel horrifically guilty for even trying to fill that time, because to fill it almost feels like I am ignoring her. My logical brain knows that this is all silly, but my heart aches so hard I feel it in my whole body.
I will love you forever Lola Bear. I hope you have found Sasha and the boys, and they are showing you the best places to binky and the best spots of spicy hay. It was an honour to be your mom and I will be forever changed because of you and your siblings. And as I used to say to you every single night for the past 5 years, sweet dreams my baby bun and I’ll see you in the morning.
Hug your loved ones today, whether they be furry or not. If you have lost a companion animal before, do you have any tips for others going through this? And if you are currently going through a loss of your own, please know you are not alone. It sucks. It really does just suck. I cannot give you any silver linings, because sometimes life is just cruel and unfair and it just…sucks. But you are not alone with this.
Taylor Talks Vegan 